I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
