Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
