I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
His nipple licking is glorious
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