if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Barsexuality is the new black.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
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