I molested 6 butterflies tonight
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
