You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
