it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
