The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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