I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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