Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
