Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
