Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
