I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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