3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
