Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
