I'm going to jail i love you
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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