Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
