Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
