Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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