then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
