sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dick very happy bro
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
