buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You are a genius and a whore.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
