True but thats because hes a fetus.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
