I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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