I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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