I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
You can't motorboat a personality
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
