sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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