I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
