I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
