For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
