Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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