If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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