the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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