God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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