i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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