I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
