Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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