onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
You don't make any sense
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