Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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