He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
