I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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