I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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