Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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