He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
