Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
