im drinking this country out of the recession.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
