well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
