I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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