i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
