Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Yo dont text me then not text me
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i think my cat just said my name.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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