Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
