Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize