Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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