remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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