i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
