i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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