Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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