This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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