omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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